The Rise of Stealth Shopping: How Americans Are Hiding Big Purchases From Their Partners
By Suzanne Kapner
July 17, 2024
Evan Elkowitz has perfected a strategy for sneaking new clothing, handbags and shoes into her Old Westbury, N.Y., home undetected. She enters through the back door and shoves her packages in the coat closet, behind an armoire or in the laundry basket. At night, when her husband and three sons are asleep, she puts away her haul.
Elkowitz pays for her shopping with money she earns as a designer and stylist. Yet, she says she still feels guilty about how much she spends. “I’m a clothes horse,” the 54-year-old said. “My husband doesn’t need to see that I bought another pair of shoes.”
Her clients are no different. She said they will leave packages in their trunks or garages, rather than bring them inside and risk being interrogated by their spouses or significant others. One woman changed into a pair of new shoes in her car and wore them into her house as if she’d had them for years, Elkowitz said.
America is a consumerist nation. But disagreements over what to buy and how much to spend is a flashpoint for couples.
Nearly two-thirds of people who live with a spouse or significant other hid a purchase from their partner over the past year, according to a survey in October of more than 1,000 Americans by Circuit, which makes route-planning software for package deliveries. A quarter of them hid a clothing purchase and one-in-10 manipulated financial records to conceal their spending.
“That’s what the gym bag or dry-cleaning bag is for,” said Stacy Geisinger, who smuggles Frame jeans, Anthropologie dresses and other purchases past her husband this way.
“It delays the fight—because you can have two fights,” said the 63-year-old, who lives in Bedford, N.Y. “One when you bring the shopping bag into the house and one when the bill comes.”
Cali Estes, a clinical psychologist based in Miami who specializes in treating addictive behaviors, including shopping and hoarding, said she has seen a jump in stealth shopping in recent years, fueled by the rise of influencers. “When you see someone online pushing something, you feel more pressure to buy it—even if you can’t afford it,” Estes said.
She said the high inflation of recent years is exacerbating the problem for couples on a tight budget. She advises them to set aside an amount in their monthly spending that doesn’t require permission from their partner. “This way, you can buy what you want, as long as you stay within the preset limit,” she said.
Even for deep-pocketed couples, what can seem like a harmless white lie can lead to mistrust that undermines the relationship. “Your partner will say, ‘If you lie about buying shoes, what else are you lying about?’” Estes said.
One of her patients cut the price tags off her new clothes and put them in the wash before wearing them to make them seem old. Another woman hid her Christian Louboutin shoes in her son’s toy box. Estes said she was outed when the five-year-old pranced around the house in a pair of stilettos with the distinctive red sole.
Sneaking purchases into the house is one thing, but what happens when the credit card bill comes?
Julia Mather, a nonexecutive director of an insurance company, says she times large purchases to coincide with a big tax bill or insurance payment. “When my husband asks why the credit card bill is so high, I’ll say, ‘Well, you know we had to pay the insurance,” the 49-year-old said.
Mather, who divides her time between Bermuda and New York, also makes sure to use her American Express card for her Carolina Herrera, Prada and Dolce & Gabbana shopping sprees. Since the account is in her name, her husband doesn’t ask to see the itemized bill. If she uses her husband’s credit card, the bank sends him an alert with the price of every purchase. “I try very hard not to use that card,” she said.
Some people are using buy-now-pay-later services to mask large purchases. At a gathering of retail executives hosted by financial services company Affirm several years ago, one luxury retailer said customers were splitting handbag purchases into 12 equal monthly installments, rather than paying for them in one shot with a credit card, according to a person who was there.
It isn’t just women pulling the wool—or cashmere—over their partner’s eyes.
When Joe Abruzzese was president of sales and marketing at a cable operator, he would have his made-to-measure Turnbull & Asser shirts, Nino Corvato suits and Crockett & Jones shoes sent to his office. When he wore an item home, his wife would ask if it was new. “No,” he’d say, “I’ve had it for months.”
A colleague, Scott McGraw, took the charade a step further. He once sent about a dozen new shirts to the dry cleaner before wearing them. When he brought them home on hangers wrapped in cellophane, his wife was none the wiser. “I was feeling sheepish about buying so many shirts at once,” McGraw said. “I did that so I wouldn’t have to walk into the house and answer any questions.”
Both men are now retired. Abruzzese, 76, who stopped working in 2017 and lives in Naples, Fla., hasn’t kicked his shopping habit. He still has his shirts custom made. Without an office to hide them, though, the jig is up. “I’ve had to come clean,” he said.
Write to Suzanne Kapner at suzanne.kapner@wsj.com
Dow Jones & Company, Inc.
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